doctor, I seem to have a large, cat shaped growth on my shoulder…
my little brothers’ house cat is absolutely adorable, her name is zelda.
made some organic wheat-free apple, cinnamon and blueberry muffins this morning after successfully baking throw-together banana muffins yesterday :) (I’m one of those people with a slight intolerance to wheat so I prefer to use grain free/gluten free alternatives)
I’m notoriously bad at following recipes, especially when it comes to baking but I managed to write down the recipe as I made it up and thought I’d post it here.
Kara’s Wheat-Free Apple, Cinnamon & Blueberry Muffins
(makes approx 6 small muffins or 4 big ones)
20-25 mins at 140 degrees (celsius)
1/2 cup Buckwheat Flour
1/2 cup Instant Oats
2 1/2 tbsp Coconut Sugar (if you like them sweeter use 3-4tbsp)
1 Granny Smith Apple (grated)
2 Handfuls of Frozen Blueberries
20g Coconut Oil
1/2 tsp Baking Powder
3 tbsp (45ml) Milk (I used dairy)
Nutmeg, Cinnamon and Vanilla Essence to taste
Dash of Water (approx 3-4 tbsp)
Pinch of Salt
- Preheat oven to 140 C
- Mix eggs, oil, milk, vanilla essence and water together.
- Add the grated apple.
- In separate bowl, combine the almond meal, buckwheat flour, sugar, baking powder and spices.
- add together wet and dry mixes. (you may need to add a little more water to get the right consistency)
- Add in the blueberries.
- Put mix in a greased muffin tray and bake for approx 20-25 mins at 140 C.
I’m going back into the real world today and get to see my puppy. I cannot wait to give my little lump all the cuddles! I’ve missed her so so much. I’m the one with separation anxiety, she’s been having a whale of a time without strict mean mummy spraying her with the water bottle when she barks at the TV. With that little ray of sunshine in my life, where can I go wrong? Just look at that tail!
gpoy feat. my Buddha belly.
My stint as an inpatient is almost over, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I’m so excited to get home to see my puppy, to start making my own food and to start exploring more culinary experiences and fostering a more positive relationship with food, exercise and my body. But then on the other hand, I’m petrified that I won’t be able to do this in the real world, and keep it up for the long term.
I hope that I can remember when I go back to reality that; all food is good food. Nothing is off limits. I’ve survived almost two weeks of eating things I would’ve never normally eaten before and eating an abundance of processed food (which is a paralysing fear of mine). I can eat a bag of crisps, or a bar of chocolate, or a tub of custard, or a slice of cake, or some ice cream, or lots of bread/wheat and the world doesn’t end. The worst thing that can happen is that I might get bloated/gassy/can’t go to the bathroom. I’ve rediscovered my love of bananas, porridge and breakfast and discovered that I actually quite like muffins and custard and I’m not as intolerant to wheat and milk as I thought. I’ve gotten the kick up the butt that I so desperately wanted and needed. “Just take things 10 minutes at a time.”
And most importantly, I am worthy and I deserve recovery.
After a really really shit day yesterday feat. a breakdown and almost leaving, I actually had a pretty good day today. I’m learning so many helpful tools from the other girls here, it’s absolute providence that I came in at the same time as these girls. I definitely wouldn’t be in this headspace or have made this much progress without them. It makes this incredibly fucking hard process just little bit lighter.
But I have to admit, I’m really freaking out about weigh day on Monday. Even though I want to gain weight I’m still petrified of doing so. I hate being chained to the scale. Having my life and self worth dictated by such an arbitrary number. Ugh I feel like such a child, in that I need constant reinforcement to relearn things that are just so commonsensical. It’s so frustrating and I’m so bloody impatient!
But, I’m trying to “take things 10 minutes at a time, and if that’s too much for today, take things 5 minutes at a time,” which is the best piece of advice I’ve received to date! And it came from another patient, go figure!
(pics are of a talisman made in art therapy and a bowl I painted with the words “nourish yourself” and “all food is good”)
(In writing group we were all given the same sentence starters/prompts to construct a poem, so I’m posting my jumble of words for mum)
Child of the Forest
I grew up in the forest of the children,
Where the weather was always smiling down upon my face,
And the sound of that time is joyful birds and flowers chatting to the trees.
Friends taught me that forest trolls can masquerade as moss covered rocks,
Family taught me that although the snow falls, spring will always come again,
And the flowers will never stop blooming.
Today I am no longer in the forest,
Tomorrow is another day that I long to go back,
I wish I could carry the forest in my heart.
I know I am a child of the forest,
And someday I will return.
Anonymous said: You are a beautiful girl, inside and out. Keep being creative. Your creativity is a precious gift so keep drawing and using your camera.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really needed to see that today. I’m getting glimpses of my creativity that was. Hopefully I can get back to regularly creating things soon :)
This is a poem I came across in group today that I thought was absolutely beautiful and wanted to share:
in all that effort is perfection
all pain will pass
we all struggle
we all rest
the past will be edited
retain only beauty and purpose
fail, At our best
Draw the right people close
And there is the moment, the feeling, the reason.
Hello, it turns out I have phone reception in here, so here’s an update:
After learning how to loom band and make an origami box I feel much more zen after a morning fraught with anxiety. Feeling dazed and confused and a bit like I’ve been thrown into Girl, Interrupted (but with no Lisa character and all the staff are like whoopi) I’ve made some really lovely friends here and go figure they’re actually more helpful and supportive than the professional psychs here. I’m rising to the challenge of recovery and I just really hope I can hang on to this motivation. I’m so overwhelmed by the unwavering support and faith my family and friends have in me and even strangers. I feel like I’m in the right place and at the right time. As scared as I am, I’m pretty sure I can get through this.