curiouser and curiouser.

I’m positively terrified of turning 20 this september.

It’s not so much that I’m scared of the superficiality of ageing such as wrinkles, grey hairs and sagging bits. I’m scared about the bigger responsibilities. The decisions. The maturity. The future. The fact that I’m leaving teenagerdom and my childhood behind me.

I feel like I’m being pushed out on a ledge that I’m no where near ready to be on. How can I be an adult? It just seems impossible.

I guess I’m scared of everything moving forward so much faster, like it seems to have done in the last two or three years. With me standing still, feeling perpetually left behind and stuck just as I am. Not old. Not young. Not mature. Not immature. Never changing. Never feeling quite present. Just… suspended, I suppose. 

Sometimes it’s hard to think of age as just a number and nothing more.

Growing up sucks balls.